That was a close one!!!

We have this nifty thing at work...Hot Schedules.

It is an online site that handles our scheduling.

There is even an app for it.

It sends you texts of your schedule, allows you to request off online, and allows you to swap shifts from your phone/computer.

It is great...really.

Well except this one time...

So I think I may have eluded to my heart not being in the restaurant any more...and if I haven't, that is where I am.

I got a text with my two days (I have another job & only work 2 shifts a week)...I was not surprised that these two shifts were on New Year's Eve and New Year's Day...That is kind of what happens sometimes.

I have celebrated enough New Years to prefer money...just saying.

When I confirmed my schedule on the computer I saw something that was not kosher!!!

My two shifts were not the two QA shifts that I normally work...but SERVING...

In the words of an old Guatemalan cook named Isreal...in his accent, "Oh HELL NO..."

I just don't have it in me to humor people anymore.

I love the kitchen...the folks in it...but I cannot handle the guests anymore.

I just knew I was going to go out with a Half Baked exit...and I didn't want to do that.

So I started communication early and called in a favor...

That was a close one!!!

(THANKS CHARLES & MENDEZ)

This is...

I would like to start off this blog with an apology...but a back handed one...

for those of you who do not know what a back handed apology is...
back handed apology- an apology that says the words "I'm Sorry"...but not necessarily in the context that the recipient wished

Example:

Girl A: You are a real bitch...

Girl B: That was really rude...you should apologize

Girl A: I am sorry that you are a real bitch...

or

Girl A: You are a real bitch...

Girl B: That was really rude...you should apologize

Girl A: I am sorry that you heard me say that you are a real bitch, but I am NOT sorry that I said it...

So here is my back handed apology...

I am sorry that I have not filled my readers' brains with restaurant humor...but I am NOT sorry that I have not been working at the restaurant enough to catch the jacked up ish that heeds a blog

With that being said...there is a time and a place for EVERYTHING...

or in some cases a blog & a space...

If you have issues that you wish to discuss...whether they be with a friend or a family member...CALL THEM...GO SEE THEM...

DO NOT PUT THEM OR THEIR FAMILY ON BLAST ON FACEBOOK!!!

Although this medium seems like the ideal place to air your laundry, it is not.

Start a blog if you want to rant aimlessly...I mean the likelihood of someone stumbling upon a blog...is well...UNLIKELY!!

The facebook rants only prove a few things:
1. You are a chicken shit for not being able to address the person directly
2. You are messy as hell...
3. You don't care if the world knows your business
4. You are messy as hell...
5. You are pitiful
6. Did I mention messy as hell...

All this to say...I am speaking GENERALLY...this blog isn't directed at ANYONE specific...because I am not a chicken shit...

And that Facebook is not the place to air your laundry...

This is...

Sometimes you need to take your own advice!!!

I firmly believe that when someone NEEDS something...they will go to extreme lengths to get it!!

Example...Crackheads...

they will steal, kill, or well...they will go to great lengths...

So you don't want to be compared to a crackhead...

ok...well how about a server

Sometimes these words are synonymous!!

Depending on the day & amount of caffeine involved!!

So as a manager we are often asked in VERY nice/rude/funny/lame/corny/demanding ways to reserve a table during busy times.

It makes it easy on the managers...bc the answer is NO!!!

We do this because the other guests that will have to wait will get mad or offended.

But what if someone offered you $500.

Well...let's just say that I would have the table set with CANDLES and personalized name plates if it were me...

F those other guests!!!

Loc got a phone call that requested a table for 11...RIGHT AFTER THE TECH GAME!!!!

Here are some logistics that context has not provided:

1. THIS IS AGGIELAND!!!!
2. TECH fans are RUDE AS HELL!!!
3. TECH fans feel entitled...
4. Our restaurant is directly across from the school & a hotspot after games.
5. TECH is a Texas team = lots of their fans travel here
6. There is liable to be a riot if I seat 11 guests wearing RED & BLACK

soooooooooooo

with that being said...I would have had personalized name plates on that table had I been offered $500 to hold it.

The other managers gawked over the table when they called again asking to have it held...and then declined, but offered to call them ahead.

SUCKERS

When the table showed up they asked for a manager immediately and informed him that they were ready to be helped out of their car.

That is the geriatric grandpa that would be paying the bill........

Thumper was the one who got the table.

When they sat down they informed her that they would be leaving her a $100 if she did a good job.

She then turned to me and promised that I would be taken care of if the food went out PERFECT!!

DONE & DONE

This could go one of three ways...

They could leave her the $100 they promised, they could find a reason she didn't deserve it, or they could have just been BSing...and left her a little chunk change.

Either way, this is what we signed up for.

So Thumper is humping along and strolls past QA only to notice her order didn't make it to the computer screen...HOW IS IT THAT THIS TABLE IS THE ONE THAT THE COMPUTER JACKS UP ON?!?!??

She starts reciting the things that she needs and I pick up on the OUT FIRST items...

You see, as a manager we were trained to slow down a guest's internal clock by putting something in front of them. This way they have something to munch on or even look at...so they feel like they are being served promptly.

Salads delivered!!!

This table was...ummm...well...lets just say they treated this casual dining experience as if it were a 5 star restaurant.

Food went out to the table...PREFECT I MIGHT ADD...and they were happy!!!

As promised, they left Thumper the $100 tip!!!

She came back to the kitchen with food that the guest INSISTED she box for them.

She was hesitant...

but not in an, "I don't want to do it sort of way..."

but in an, "I am tired of being RUN by you and your 5 star requests sort of way"

So I gave her some insight...

YOU ARE GOING TO MAKE DOUBLE WHAT EVERYONE ELSE IS GOING TO MAKE!!!

YOU ARE GOING TO MAKE IN ONE HOUR WHAT EVERYONE ELSE IS WORKING ALL NIGHT FOR!!!

You may be frustrated now, but at the end of the night when you are counting your money...think of this moment and smile...

Then carry your ass back out there with the food boxed up...and ask him if he wants a foot massage too...(not the later, but you get it)

BE THANKFUL!!!

I guess that the boxing of food is on Thumper's list of things that she just didn't want to do...good thing she had me here to pep talk her!!!

All this to say...I get up at 5:30a.m. to go to the Middle School I work at...sometimes I work until 9 or 10 to turn around and do it again...

I had to take my own advice this weekend...the same advice that I gave Thumper...

BE THANKFUL!!!

I made more money in the 4 days that I worked this week at the restaurant than I made in TWO WEEKS at the school.

In the moment I don't want to do it...I sometimes have just had enough...

But at the end of the day...when I am counting my money...it is worth it!!!

I AM THANKFUL!!!

Who you gonna call?!?

I was a bright and sunny morning when the Village decided that they wanted to celebrate the fungus that worked its people so...

Ok, I lied...it was not bright...nor was it sunny...

As a matter of fact it was too damn early to be up and at em!!!

But we were...with bells on...bells that were provided by Duncan Donuts supreme roast!!!

When they told us Fungus Fest was going to last from 10am to 5pm, I knew it was going to be a long day!!! But, when they told me that we had to be there at 7am to set up...I wanted to ask for a refund...

NOT REALLY

I am a crack head of sorts. Especially when there is coffee involved.

We pulled up to an already overwhelmed man directing traffic...so I did what I do best...I made light of the situation.

Pulling up I saw my sister setting up her booth & blocking the way with her big body!!! (not her behind...her Lac)

As I rolled my window down the man asked me just to please not block the driving space...So I rolled down my other window and yelled, "Like that lady in the TRASHY Cadillac..."

His jaw dropped and I casually swung my head back over to calm him by telling him that she was my sister.

We started unloading like a chicken with our heads cut off...and it was unorganized...so I did what I do best...BOSS!!!

I started barking orders (it sounds so bad to say it like that...I am kind and respectful in my tone)

We set up and Whaaaaala!!!

Well...where was the music...it is 7:30...you got my butt out of bed...sing me a song!!!

No music, but we did get the GSers...

You know...the Garage Salers...the ones that come to your house at 6:20am when the advertisement for the garage sale CLEARLY said 7am...

They got there around 8:30am...oxygen tanks & walkers in tow...

Heck I couldn't tell if the nursing home was having rec time or the GSers were just that old!!!

You have to understand something about the Village...it is NOT NORMAL!!!

Normal to me being open minded, accepting, and tolerant...or maybe just NOT judgmental and RUDE!!!

Our booth was a PLETHORA of things (You like that Vocab word Mrs. Wells!!!) There was painted furniture, beer wreaths, beer signs, crosses, signs about my homie JC, jewelry, and more!!!

The first geriatric woman that passed ACTUALLY POINTED at my wreaths and turned up her nose...but when she saw me looking she changed her tone...TO A MORE DISGUSTED LOOK!!!

This time she pointed, turned her nose up, and shook her head NO at me...I mean really...that was one talented lady...doing all those things at the same time!!! I bet Bingo night at the nursing home BELONGED TO HER!!!

The next group of oldies were these two cute little ladies. They were looking at the sign that said, "Jesus and germs are EVERYWHERE so wash your hands and say your prayers..." They then fixed eyes on my wreaths...

They looked to each other and one of them said, "The nerve..."

So I redirected them to the jewelry that would have probably snapped their frail little necks.

They gave me a look and walked off.

I speak dirty looks, and this one said, "Little girl, do you really think that we would spend our $5 allowance in your abomination of a booth..."

MOVE ALONG LITTLE LADY...MOVE ALONG!!!

The THIRD old lady that insulted my wreaths came in a bit younger model.

She was only like 75 or 80...and had a smart mouth on her.

She entered our booth and I felt like I was at the point in waiting tables where you realize you aren't going to get a tip, so you should just have fun with it...

She asked me if my wreaths were Baptist wreaths?

Baptist wreaths...

Ok, before I clown this lady...let me clear something up...

I LOVE JESUS!!! I was raised in a Baptist Church...probably the same Baptist Church this lady attended...

I was taught to love people where they are...as they are...

I did not learn that there...

Sad, I know!

I responded to the lady with a smile...but the smart ass things that I wanted to say are as follows:

1. Yes, they are Baptist Wreaths...they are removable...when your Bible study group comes over you may hide it in your closet or pantry or cabinets...

2. Sure are...and when you buy a cross with it, you get a free piece of jewelry!!!

3. Or just a simple...Get the Fuck Out of here...<-- My mother would have KILLED me for that one!!!

Anywho...once the old people cleared out the younger, more appreciative crowds came out.

The Village grows a special breed of people...I am from there...CASE AND POINT!!!

There was a young man that was admiring a sign that my girl made that said, "Karma is a bitch!"

I told him that this sign was my favorite...and SOOOOOOOO true!!

His response, "OH, is your name Karma..."

Bahahahahahahaha

Then came along old Coach Moten!!! He is a life skills coach for some of the adults with special needs in The Village. I work with special needs people...and have a special place in my heart for them and people who love and take care of them.

I gave Coach Moten a hug and each guy followed...there was enough to go around!!

A young/older man told me that he was like Elvis..."A Hunka Hunka BURNING LOVE!!!"

YESSSSSSSSS

I was asked not to encourage, but do you think I listened?

NOPE!!!

I saw one of the guys eyeballing Kells guitars that she plated in license plates...he said he wanted it.

He (not having any sense of money) pulled out his $4 to pay.

Coach told him that they cost $135...not $4.

Of course he didn't get that it wasn't enough.

I directed him to my stuff and told him to pick something/anything out...and it was his for $3.

I mean let's just be real...I didn't do this booth to get wealthy...but this young man could make my heart rich!!!

And he was the proud new owner of a PEACE SIGN!!!

We wrapped up at 5 GLADLY!!!

We went home to laugh about the day...wondering what manager would have been summoned had those ladies complained about my wreaths...

City Manager??

What do you Perpetuate???

I am pretty sure we have all heard the saying...You will get out of something what you put into it...

It is true...so true!!!

When I go to work in a bad mood...I usually am pretty annoyed by EVERYONE...

including my tables

and my tips usually reflect my mood.

GRANTED

there are those freak days that I go in with a pissy attitude & BANK

THOSE DAYS ARE FEW AND FAR BETWEEN!!!

Regardless of where the cycle starts...it is your responsibility to STOP IT!!!

This is true in much of life!!

Let me tell you about a day that I perpetuated and where it led me...

It all started at HEB!!

My husband and I were running errands & this is where it led us.

We got done with the shopping and headed to check out.

I am a restaurateur so I walk fast...

I walked up to the check out line and turned to greet Titalicious...

But some old lady with an 80's frizzfro tried to cut him off at an angle...OH NO MAM!!!

So I stood my ground...

I didn't disrespect this old lady...my mother taught me WAAAY better than that.

But she also taught me to stand my ground when I was right.

So I did.

after about a 30 second stare I excused myself...

TO PULL MY HUSBAND'S BASKET PAST HERS!!!!

She looked at me crazy...so I reciprocated!!!

Then the lady checking me out told me that she didn't think she should work her job because she wanted to say things to ladies like that...

So between our attitudes we were both perpetuating ugliness...

So off to Sam's...I hope that old lady got herself a VO5 hot oil treatment...

We got all that we needed and were gonna grab a good old Nathan's Hot Dog on the way out!!!

I was in the line for a minute and made it to the front...

I heard the lady that was running the counter solo having a conversation with the man in front that went as follows:

"What flavors of pizza do you have?"
"What do you see?"

"Ummmm are there any other additional flavors that you carry?"
"Yes, but the will take a long time to cook...about 15 to 20 mins..."

"OK, well then I will take that flavor..."
"Here you go then..."

AND IT WAS MY TURN!!!

"Hi, can I get two of the hotdog combos?"
"ummmm, they aren't ready and they will take awhile to cook..."

"OK...well I am really sorry to inconvenience you..."

And I walked away....I let the lady at the door know that she was turning away business!!!

I later told Lesse that the hooker sucked...

and he told me that it was her first day...

IT SHOWED!!!

But I helped her perpetuate her suckiness...GUESS NO MORE NATHAN'S WHEN SHE IS WORKING!!!

Sooooo later I went to work...with the same attitude...

I was working in the kitchen which wasn't so bad...but there were NUBEE's...

Nubee's- transfers that are new to our restaurant

Nubee's= egos, had habits, arrogance, mistakes, pissed off cooks, and pissed off QA's

GUESS WHAT I WAS WORKING...QA

The QA has to sort of mold a nubee!!!

Let's take Fanny Pack for example...

Fanny Pack came in his first day putting SEE SERVERS for every modification he was too lazy to put it, pulling from the line, and just sucking all together!!!

See Servers- a modification that is used when there are no buttons present to satisfy the needs of a guest...TO BE USED AS A LAST RESORT!!! And to be reported to the QA IMMEDIATELY because the cooks don't even START an item until instruction is given.

Anywho....on Fanny Pack's first day I had to give him some server justice (hazing that we give folks so managers don't have to address petty stuff...lots of time problems take care of themselves)

SOOOO EVERY time FP would put something in and his SEE SERVER...almost EVERYTIME!!!!

And what did I do...I embarrassed the hell out of him...EVERYTIME...

I would see an order that was entered wrong...and yell (I am loud as hell...)FP to the line...I need FP to the line...

I would call him out on EVERYTHING!!!

He would grab things off the line and I would be forced to yell...WHAT ARE YOU DOING?? DON'T TOUCH MY LINE!!!

Back to the day I perpetuated...

I encountered a Nubee that rubbed me wrong...we will call him James...

James just came in with an arrogance that I wanted to deflate...that was what I was perpetuating that day...

Most of the time I start out looking for ways to like people...remembering what it is like to be the new kid in a restaurant...

I just couldn't with him...

So...after the shift I heard him talking smack at a register...ABOUT ME...not directly...but it had to do with me and the position that I was working that night.

I didn't have anymore fight in me...and Titalicious was already gone from work...

I just wanted to cry...

So I did what any other person would go do...

I crawled into a Miller Lite and my problems went away!!!

So all this to be said...your days are what you make of them...

Your attitudes are what YOU choose them to be...

When you allow someone to have power over you...you deserve what they perpetuate for you!!!

Perpetuate your own life...your own choices...your own power!!!

And recognize that when you perpetuate your attitude & choices...that others will be effected!!!

Don't Make Yourself an ASS!!

We are trying a new initiative...it is called Team Service.

In this means of service we swap off taking tables. Soooo you don't have a set section...just every other table that comes in.

My turn was up...and there were a group of 6 kids at the front door.

(They were 17/18)

They were the kind of table that most servers would assume the worst about.

This was the last time they would get together before they all went to college.

In hind sight I am sort of thinking that it was the first time they have gotten out before they went to college too...

When I approached the table one of them asked me if we had a cheaper menu...Not a great first impression.

I overheard the flamboyant one say that she only had $18 and she still had to go to the movies.

I got their drink orders and they wanted all Lemonades...no biggie

One gentleman wanted a side of fruit...whatever

I brought the fruit out and they were like vultures...PINEAPPLES...GONE

One of the girls spit it out...she said she preferred the can pineapples better.

They ordered some appetizers...and then were ever so impatient about them.

They were being rude...so I was...direct...right back.

They asked when the appetizers would be out and I replied, "Well...we like to cook our food before we serve it...so about 8 mins from the time you ordered it...it has been about 6 so give me two minutes..." And I dismissed myself.

When I refilled their drinks one of the more flamboyant girls notified me, "Giiiiiirl, you gone be blessed!!"

The guy told me, "Ummmhuhhhh...you gone get a good tip."

Anyone who has ever waited tables knows what that means!!!

Those words cause you to ASSUME that you were going to be stiffed...

We call it the "verbal tip."

I kept trucking.

They then saw a pregnant woman walk by and the flamboyant hefer yelled, "DAAAAAAMN, somebody already had that big woman for dinner." REALLY...

She then turned to me and asked..."So the appetizer was 8 minutes...how long...how many minutes till my food comes out?"

I told her I would go check on it...and then the nicer guy was feeling a bit embarrassed that he came out of the house with BeyBey's Kids...told her, "Girl you are acting like you don't have any home training. Jackie...whatcho think about us?"

So I told them..."You are silly...that is all I think"

At this point this loud and obnoxious table has been rude enough to be noticed by EVERYONE in the restaurant.

The hostess even walked up to me and apologized.

My response, "You don't have to apologize to me...this job is about the luck of the draw"

Towards the end of the meal they were frustrating me with their loud cussing. There were old people around and that is disrespectful.

I still did what I had to do...and tried to pay them out as quickly as possible.

I asked if they wanted to split the appetizers through out the table (since they all ate it)...the flamboyant one spoke up quickly (You knew she would), "Noooo put it on the big people tabs"

I told her I was not going to Assume who that was...She pointed...

I gave them their checks.

I have this thing...I don't look at a tip while my table is still there. If I get excited because it is good...I don't want to be that person that perks up when she sees money...and if it is bad...I don't want to be rude...or defeat myself when I still have to fake it.

So when they started handing me their money I did look...at how much...

The guy gave me a check presenter with a fifty on top...and a wad in the back. He said that the top money was my tip...I thought he was giving me a $50 for a tip...I was wrong...he needed change from that.

At this time ALL the other servers kept passing by and asking..."so how did it go...what did they leave you?"

But i don't look...I couldn't.

I tell you I was assuming the worst after Your Flamboyance said..."OH MISS...how I order $12 worth of food and you give me a bill for $14? You just add your little old tip on there and I gotta pay it?"

So at this point I am thinking...Fuck it...I am going to say what I feel is necessary...

I spoke to her in a way she could understand that I didn't care..."You see right here boo, right next to the charge...It says SUGGESTED TIP...a suggestion means you don't HAVE to do it..."

She replied, "Oh, so I don't have to tip you..."

And I replied the truth we don't want to admit, "No, you don't HAVE to tip me.

And I cleaned around them to expedite their departure.

And then they were gone...so I tallied up!!

And GUESS WHAT...I was pleasantly surprised.

They left me $37

THIRTY SEVEN DOLLARS

This was %50 tip

I don't know if it was a mistake...I don't care!!

See what can happen when you don't ASSUME...

So what was your assumption...

Did you make an ASS out of U or ME!!!

The Shoe is on the Other Foot

So just to get everyone on the same page...I am changing careers!!!

I am getting my teacher's certification & leaving restaurant management ALONE!!!

This decision was for my family. I wasn't getting to spend very much time with them...so I had to make some changes!!

Now the shoe is on the other foot. I get to deal with the guests again...on a more intimate level.

I am a great server. I don't mean to toot my own horn, but TOOT TOOT!!!

I have a more rounded view of what the guests want. With that being said...you can't please everyone...I am aware of that.

Yesterday was my day!

It happened...I got my first guest complaint!!!

We are doing team waiting now, so that means that you don't have SET TABLES. I was working with Markel last night...and we had a system. We would take the tables that we would make the most money on.

EX: His friends came in...$20 BAM...
EX: My friends came in...$20 BAM...
EX: 4 girls...HIM
EX: 3 guys...ME

Get it?

Well three bumpkins boys came in...so guess who's go it was...ME!!!

I walked up to the table and greeted it, "Welcome to ******, My name is"

WATER

"No, actually my name is Jacklyn. And that is Markel...we will be taking care of you today. I already know what you want to drink...what about you guys"

Chubby guy with the scabies on his face, "Dr Pepper"
Skinny guy who looked like his mama beat him, "Sprite"

Impatient Asshole, "You don't have any damn money...you should have just ordered waters. (turns to me) You can bring them all waters."

So I excused myself from the table.

There is a point with some tables that you recognize you aren't going to get a tip. You continue to do your job...because it is your job, but you find ways to...hmmm get your own kicks.

I brought back a water, a Dr.Pepper, and a Sprite. At the point that those other boys are unable to speak for themselves...I will listen to the Asshole.

If I brought three waters...I am the asshole.

And I knew that this ass wasn't going to tip...so I catered to the fat and the thin.

Their drinks were NEVER half full...I was on point!!!

Markel kept the douche's water full...Thanks Boo!!!

I gave them good service. I prebussed, I dropped the checks, and I paid them out promptly.

I walked over to the table to buss it as they left to see the ultimate disrespect...
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!?

Now you see why I ignored this asshole...I am a pretty good read of people.

I have YET to understand why people act this way when I know who they are...THEIR NAME IS ON THE CREDIT CARD SLIP!!!

The other guys left me $6.

That was a good enough tip for the whole table so I would not have even tripped out, except for what happened next...

I see him walking around the out side of the building (WE CAN SEE EACH OTHER>>>CLEARLY)...and pointing with a shit eating smirk on his face.

So I did what any server would do...I started back...minus the smirk.

I watched them get into their truck...and burned him with my eyes.

(I have those looks that make you want to repent)

I also leaned around and looked at his license plate...and acted like I was writing it down...

OK...so I wrote it down...

Why...who even knows...I don't know what to do with it...there is nothing that I care to do with it.

I mean...he is gone from my table...and out of my life...

He is STILL an asshole!!!

And I am still here doing what I came to do...MAKE MONEY!!!

But the shoe was on the other foot...

He tried to fuck with me...with my head...and I got into his...

This is where it gets fun!!!

Loke came over (the manager) and asked me what happened...so I told him...

That ASSHOLE...right there (I pointed at him as he had at me) (we were 15ft apart...through glass and his truck) left me this (showed him the check presenter)...and then pointed and laughed the ENTIRE way to his truck.

At that point the Asshole got out of his truck to come back in.

I just told Loke to "Handle it"

I had a friend that was there eating...I told her that I was going to the back to blow off steam...and that I would see her later.

By her account she walked towards the front door to hear, "I mean, what is she gonna do with my license plate number...she took it down..."

She of course gave him the death stare as she left too...

At this point Loke came to the back and asked me..."Did you take down his license plate number?"

I knew that he wouldn't be able to lie to him with a straight face...and I wasn't going to give that JackAss the satisfaction of thinking he was running something...so I lied, "No, what would I do with that..."

"He swears you did..."

"HE is an ASSHOLE"

So he went back out to deal with him.

He listened to the guy tell him that I rushed him...Blah Blah Blah...

He came back and I told him I did write it down...not sure why...

Maybe to fuck with him...like he did with me!!!

Charles gave me the option of getting in trouble...I declined.

I bet that JERKOFF will think twice about fucking with the next server...

She might be crazy like me...